would you give me a chance to start over my life? without having you in it, please? 2 guys. i’ve been flirting around with 2 different guys now. but i can’t do anything. the moment the conversation takes a turn, i just get disinterested, thought of you & then i’ll stop. i don’t need them. all i need is you. how am i suppose to move on when every guy i talk to, i just think of you. i don’t want to be kissing them & thinking of you instead.

i’m tired of fighting this battle. all i want is just to take you back, have you in my life. but then i’ll be letting down people who belief in me, most importantly, i’ll be letting down myself. even though, only 2 people believes in me & knows what’s going on, i don’t want to know let them down.

everyday, i still sit here waiting for your text. &everyday, you tell me you miss me. &everyday, i’ll ask you why. a week from now, will you still miss me? a month from now will you still think of me? a year from now will you still remember me? i doubt you will but i know i will. this is gonna take a long time for me to recover.

i gave you a proper explanation. a proper reason. but you still don’t understand. you said i was lying to you yesterday, yes i did lied but the only thing i was lying about was it that it wasn’t meant for you. if you were smart enough, you would of read my fb status & figured everything out. that i never want for us to be over. that i do miss you. that even though i said i don’t want you, i really fcking do want you so bad. but of course, you wouldn’t care.

all i’m asking for is for you to spare a thought for my feelings.

&all i need is to talk to someone, anybody who would understand & not judge but of course, there’s no one. 

i will turn 20. i honestly don’t feel any excitement at all. wishes has start coming in from my friends in aussie but yet it still hasn’t sunk into me. i stopped looking forward to my birthday when i was turning 16. in true honesty, that year haunts me a lot. it still does. it was supposed to be an exciting birthday that year but it didn’t happened.

turning 20. i’m almost leaving the teenage years. &as much as i always look forward to presents, what i really want is just pure, genuine happiness. a genuine smile. one that i don’t need to fake. i’m tired of having the feel of wanting to cry every time i smile so wide knowing that everything is just fake.

19 years of life. it was a fcking roller coaster ride. full of happiness, sadness, laughter, tears, heartbreaks & everything else roll into one. but i’m just glad GOD is always with me in every steps of my life. there were times where i’ve forgotten bout him, where i moved on with life without him, where i didnt say my prayers but he never did left me. sometimes, i may have be angry with him, but yet he’s still there forever. he’s the greatest & i’ll never be who i am without him. &my mum & family <3 they’re after all my everything <3

&for tonight dear god, i just want you to keep my brother safe in his night mission.

i love you Allah. <3

&to turning 20, i hope to be wiser, more patience, to be a better person & to be closer to god. <3

xoxoxo,
atiqah.

one day you meet this boy, and he steals your heart, he steals your breath. his fingers reach into you, and touches places you didn’t know existed, and they burn you, and scar you, and leave you begging for more.and he destroys you, when you thought that maybe you could actually be happy for once… and you begin to think that maybe you were just pretending you were.

Pain.. Pain is caused by love and love is a heart breaker but, with out a broken heart we wouldn’t have feelings. Be happy your heart was broken. It could of been stepped on and ripped out your chest even tho it may feel like it has been, it hasn’t. It’s still there beating more alive then ever it’s just learning to over come Pain. Pain is the only thing that makes life worth living because Pain only makes you stronger. Don’t ever let Pain take control it’s your life you control what you say or do. All Pain is cured in the end just don’t let Pain choose when your end is. Pain is the most common thing that causes death. Suicide isn’t the answer just look up open your eyes and realize life is more important. It doesn’t matter if you want to let Pain take control don’t let it. Think about the people you will hurt if your gone. Just because you think you have forgot how to love doesn’t mean your not loved. If you give up now because of Pain you will just cause more Pain in other people. So stay strong, don’t let Pain choose you ending.

“Pain – By – Levi”

levi wrote this on his tumblr after all my emo tumblr post.  HA. but thank you. (:

xoxoxo-
atiqah.

So HI. ;D i swore i haven been blogging for ages. i just can’t bring  myself to be here anymore. :/ i don’t know. i guess i just don’t want to blog anymore? i don’t know. :/

so anyway, its gonna be the fourth week of school soon. (Y) pretty much can’t wait for term break already. 4 modules. adefinitely not easy. java gives me headache. :/ ahah. lessons been alright i guess? my new class is pretty sexciting xDD so all is good. (: groups been alright i suppose? had lots of fun w richelle last tuesday. oh wait, more like my whole team. (: i honestly think that my tuesday & friday group is like hella fun cus we’re all so hyper & all. ^^ urm, i partial w fareaha last friday. first partial of the sem. haha. i just couldn’t figure out the codes & all. :/ so since it was still early, we headed down to ang mo kio hub to catch Kick-Ass. fucking awesome story but we were both freezing. LOL. &they give me an overflow of cheese. smh. lol. but the movie was kinda cool (:

last thursday, he came back. got a text that i long gave up hope on. something i want to put it behind me. its been hella long. i don’t know even know why you came back? half of me is kinda glad that you’re back BUT half of me just want you to fuck the hell out of my life. things are different now. twice i let you back into my life. but not this time. i hate the times where i kept on hoping that soon you’ll be here. it just get harder & harder. &thanks for kinda pissing me off tonight. maybe you should just stay in aussie & don’t come here anymore. maybe you shouldn’t hit me up when you finally get your fucking ass here again. cus things changes & i guess, i don’t want to see you any longer? idk. but twice is enough. i told you there’s never gonna be the third, really.

things w someone finally ended. it was hard. but i got it done. we had our last flirt that other night, but who knew that was the last one that we may ever do. it was a nice night but you got a bit conceited. i didn’t like who i was talking too anymore. ): you were different, so different. ): i wish we started off as friends & not rush into anything in january. but oh wells, i was glad we were what we were during that time. i treasured it. <3

on a very light note, i caught kelly clarkson live in singapore last tuesday. <3 OMFG. one of the best night of my life. (: she was just fucking amazing. i adore here. that night was truly just wonderful. take me back there again, please. n___n

so life been good. cept for minor/major hiccups here & there, it has been good. (: &got to catch up w my sexy hubby on saturday. (: missed him much. (: according to him, i need to stop shopping cus we’re moving into a mansion. HAHAH. &he complains that i spent too much at billabong stores which i then reply that he spent too much on all his basketball stuffs & yes, i won. (Y) hahah. he had a jolly well good time teasing me the whole time of course. that’s a hobby of his. that’s one of the way which make him smile (: hahah but nevertheless, its true what he says, i need to stop spending so much money ):

on a side note, all is good. well, not really but im convincing myself that life IS good. i’m a pro at that, i’ll succeed. ;P its just a matter of time before i really break down. HA. fucking loser, i know. Jessie, Levi & Niki has been pretty much people who i talk to everyday. (: pretty fun. we’ve jokes you won’t understand & they love to make fun of me. not niki, though. but fun times on tinychat. <33

so yea, i’ll stop here. i love you. yea, you, the person reading this. ;P hahahah.

btw, a quick prayer for shane dawson grandma’s. i hope she’ll be fine. (:

ps: i miss rachel. i miss felicia. i miss wendy. i miss rene. i miss joel. think they’re others but this is who i remember for now. haha. <333

xoxoxo-
atiqah.

That should be me, holdin your hand
That should be me, makin you laugh
That should be me, this is so sad
That should be me, that should be me

You said you needed a little time
From my mistakes
It’s funny how you used that time
To have me replaced
—————-
Now playing: Justin Bieber – That Should Be Me
via FoxyTunes

the only reason to why i haven been on here since like forever is because every single time i come to this page & try to complete an entry, i just couldn’t bring myself too. :/ idk. lots of stuffs been happening. rather messy as of late. there’s so many things that has happened that i don’t know where to start. its like after what happened, i just can’t bring myself to come here & write about everything that has happened. ): &im saddened by that because there’s some stuffs that is worth blogging & remembering but i just couldnt bring myself to write it. so here i am, once again trying to make an attempt to write an entry & i’m gonna force myself to finish this entry, no matter what.

so my last proper entry was in early february. that’s just too fucking long. but well, lots of major stuff has happened. i have uh, tried to get away from some people. i have made friends w people whom i used to hate. i have straighten my thoughts out & no longer is lost in those thoughts. in those fairytales & whatsoever. face it, we’re never gonna meet each other. i have officially finished freshmen year in college  & am gonna start my 2nd year of college in just a few days time i have also had my first job in my whole entire life & im proud of myself. it was rather a good experience & i’ve met lots & lots of amazing people like Jane, Ryan, Aliff, Adam & many others <3 overall, i did so many things in the past 2 months that i really don’t recall a whole lot of things.

i’ve found a good friend in my sexy hubby he make me smiles. he makes me feel better. we crapped thru a whole lot of shitz. &even though he bullies me a whole lot (yea, my hubby is one mean person :[ haha kidding, he's the best!) to make himself smile, he's still the best of the bestest. <3 i've also found a good friend in Rene (: he's wonderfully awesome & i'm so glad that he has found happiness in something :] i’m so happy for you (: 13 more days & i know you’re hella excited. (:

so i’ve been thinking about uni & i realized i’ve to work my ass off really hard this next 2 years to be able to make it into uni. because i really want this. i’ve widen my option to Germany & no, i did not widen my option to Germany because of Jasper. but i’m still finding the right uni & all in Germany. i need to set an aim, a target. Monash Uni is something i really really want BUT it doesnt hurt to widen my options. (:

this past few months have been difficult. specially March. there were too many countless empty arguments between us. too many times i had to lie to you because of the reason to why i unfollowed you on twitter, to why i wanted to stay away from you. i couldnt tell you the whole truth, i twist & turn my stories because i just cant seem to tell you the truth. all this because i just didnt want to hurt you. i never do. &i’m sorry you’re regretting on the things we’ve done or the things that you did for me. whatever i did with you, i’m telling you know, i’m not regretting any of it, never regretting it. but i’m sorry you did. i don’t know what else to say but i’m sorry. &i know i’ve apologized to you countless of time but that’s the only thing that i could tell you. &what you said to me the other time, i still remember. it hurts big time. i think that what sorta made me realized. no one said that to me before & clearly you hurt me.

not gonna lie but this really hurts.

moving on, i don’t know what else to say but life has been good with all the ups & downs of life. the downs in life is never good but friends like my sexy hubby & Rene & Rachel & many others make it better. <333

i miss Rachel Tina Teo Shan Mei. <3 its been a blessing knowing her & she was the one who really slapped me out of what has been happening. what she told me was harsh but it was the truth. i can’t wait for her to be back home in Singapore. things just ain’t the same without her her. (: i miss you buddyyyy. <3

btw, RIP to Poland President & the other 95 people who had died in the plane crash. makes me sad. makes me think on how fragile life is. too fragile. ):

&yeah, think i pretty much got the hang of this again. so i’m sure i’ll start updating more from now on. <3 i belief i’ve wrote a whole junk of crap & i’m sorry if you have taken your time to read cus i’ve prolly wasted your time. :S

Rene sent me this. its beautiful. this how Cologne looks like now. haha. its edited of course

xoxoxo-
atiqah.

I PROMISE I’LL BE BACK, UPDATING & SHITZ. JUST GIVE ME TIME. YES, TIME. <333

xoxoxo-
atiqah.

xoxoxo-
atiqah.

i really should get some studying done. but i really can’t do anything with all my thoughts so messed up. yesterday was just fcked up. spent the entire night clearing up issues. &i don’t know if we’re cool now BUT okay fuck, i really don’t know. yesterday was suppose to be our 1 year, 1 fucking year but obviously you found yourself a new girlf. so fuck you. _|_ yesterday, i had to sit down & listen & comfort someone who told me her feelings bout you. &i really don’t know which is worst, to have her telling me about you OR having to listen through & then having to tell her what to do. </3 &there wasn’t anything  i could do cept to sit & listen & try to make her feel better.

i don’t know where we stand anymore. i don’t know if i could trust you anymore. what you said HURT. nobody said that to me NOBODY. i’m trying to forget about what happened but i can’t. every time i remember what you said, it just hurt me even more. </3 you said you don’t know what i think of you. so do you think i know what you think of me?! fuck hell no.

this shit is going nowhere. i don’t even know what i’m suppose to write. everything is in such a mess. all i want to do is just hide in one corner & cry. &forget the whole world. </3 i keep on crying is not even fucking funny anymore.

xoxoxo-
atiqah.